Saturday

Testing from phone

? l be taking lots of pix! :-)

? erry! :-( but the cell people couldn't port it so I bought this one. And my final destination today will be latonia. I'm watching Mz O till thursday. Wil

? Have a busy day today. Going to get my hair cut then off to take this stupid phone back. None of the apps will download. Android - blah! I miss my blackb

Test

Things I Learned From My Mother

My mother has been dead 5 years today. I didn't speak to my mother the last 15 years of her life. My last words to her were............at best, unconscionable. We had argued about my grandfather's death. He became ill and I had flown back from Texas to await the inevitable. In the weeks that followed she and I got into a big blow out. Long story short, she mailed me my grandfather's obituary - two weeks after his death. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to attend his funeral. He adored me and I him. And so for years I held that resentment against her (that and for kidnapping my child but that's another story). She made some snide comment to me one day regarding my grandfather and the funeral; something to the effect I'd probably never come to hers. "oh I'll be there", I yelled at her, "if for no other reason than to make sure it's your cold, dead body in the casket! You're crazy, you've always been crazy, and I'm not going to be crazy for you!" Click. Hung up and never spoke to her again.
My mother went to her grave believing I hated her. And perhaps for a time I did. I will have to live with that..........somehow.
About a year ago I made my amends to my mother from the back of a Harley (hey! I gotta be me! LOL) and for the most part, I was pretty much at peace with it - more than I ever had been anyway. But this day I reflect.
As much as she and I never got along, I did learn from her. She did manage to instill certain values in me.
My mother was a tortured soul on this earth; a bitter, abusive woman. An alcoholic. Her alcoholism took her life. She refused to acknowledge her disease and I never brought it up, but my dad did for years. He always referred to her as a drunk and would stick her in a ritzy sanitarium for a few months a year and that was the extent of her sobriety. That was back when the husband's word was law and he was legally allowed to abuse his wife!
So today, as I look back, as bad as it was with my mother, I loved her anyway. I protected her when she was defenseless; I took her tirades when I didn't deserve it; I raised my little brother from the time he was 9 because she turned on him. (and at 42 he's still not over it). I would drive her home when I was 12 so she wouldn't wreck the car or kill herself or someone else. I would put her to bed in my bedroom so my father wouldn't torture her in her sleep (something he enjoyed doing, the sick bastard). I did my part.
"what would you say to your mother if she were standing right in front of you?" asked my sponsor a year ago. I'd say, "I accept that you were sick. You did the best you could. And I love you." "There," said my sponsor, "you made your amends."
I've made my amends.
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Compassion Fatigued

How many times do you have to say the same thing over and over before someone gets your message? I wonder.

Complete, Total Mistake

I hate the dog! Sorry, but I do. I resent him every minute of every day. I KNEW better than to get a puppy! I really wanted the Doxie but saw the look on Bayne's face when we saw Murphy so I caved. I HATE having something up my ass twenty-four hours a day, animal or human! He's ruining the carpet. I've limited his water to half a cup every couple of hours but it doesn't seem to help that much. This morning he puked all over after he ate. I really just want to take him back but I'm sure I'll be hated.
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Deal Breakers

Several days ago it occurred to me that perhaps I am just destined to spend the rest of my life alone; and what's worse is, for some reason the thought of it doesn't really bother me much. No matter what you do, no matter how much you love someone, the fact is, they still disappoint and hurt you. Who needs it? Not I; I've had my share. I am to the point where I believe that men are just inherent liars. Hmmm maybe "inherent" isn't the right word. Inherent might imply that they can't help themselves, as if powerless over lying. I disagree. I don't believe they're powerless over it, but rather, they just don't give a fuck about anyone other than themselves first. It blows my mind how a man can look you dead in the eyes and lie to your face and then you bust him the very next day in that very lie. I reiterate, who needs it? I'm tired of cleaning up after someone who truly doesn't give a damn about the appearance of his house, who doesn't care about keeping things clean and in order. I'm tired of constantly worrying about money because he can't budget and refuses to follow one. I'm tired of never having time to myself. I'm tired of not having a regular routine. I guess this is the part where someone would tell me I should be grateful for what I have. I am. I'm very grateful for what I have; doesn't change how I feel tho. It doesn't change the obvious.
I'm tired of "I'm sorry". I'm tired of always having to be the grown-up! I have such a deep resentment about me always being the adult that it has affected every aspect of this relationship, literally. I just don't feel like I have the energy for any of it. I have always taken care of people or someone all my life. It's just not in me to want to do it anymore. I would truly rather be alone than to feel like I'm the only adult in a so-called adult relationship.
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New Edition

Got a new puppy yesterday. He is a 3 month old Golden Retriever/Labrador Retriever mix. We named him Murphy.



A LIFETIME PROCESS

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people. . . . ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 52

Life.............3 Months At A Time

BC and I live a rather odd life, financially speaking. Since losing his job, we mostly live on school loans which come in about every 3 mos. It's weird; not bad, just weird.

A Full and Thankful Heart

I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain certain conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37

Sounds of Morning

Almost every morning, I am up before daylight. As soon as I hear the birds, my eyes are open. I don't get it.

Active, Not Passive

Man is supposed to think, and act. He wasn’t made to God’s image to be an automation. As Bill Sees It, p. 55

Two More Days!

I can't believe Mort will be here in 2 days!! I can't believe she's even getting on a plane! LOL! I don't have everything done I wanted done but it'll be ok, I'm sure.

Three More Days!

Wow! Can't believe the Fam will be here in three more days!!!! I cannot WAIT to see them!!!Have a lot to do today - need to finish painting (the woodwork around the doors, etc); have to re-hang everything, get the mantle back together, etc., etc., etc.

.....And No More Reservations

We have seen the truth again and again: “Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic.”. . . If we are planning to stop drinking, there must be no reservation of any kind, nor any lurking notion that someday we will be immune to alcohol. . . . To be gravely affected, one does not necessarily have to drink a long time nor take the quantities some of us have. This is particularly true of women. Potential female alcoholics often turn into the real thing and are gone beyond recall in a few years. ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 33

The Most Beautiful Face

OK.....get ready!!! The most beautiful face on Earth!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mz O and me our first time on Skype last night!! It was awesome!!!!!

Riddle Me This

Well, once again, Obama has shown what a complete and total FUCKING IDIOT he is!!!I have never seen such an ego-maniacal, shop-a-holic, ass-kisser in my life!!!!! And now Libya! Really????? So riddle me this.............who in the hell invades

How The Mighty Have Fallen

Not that I am reveling in someone else's fall; I wouldn't do that. That said, however,

I cannot help but wonder............was this just inevitable?

Prayer: It Works

It has been well said that “almost the only scoffers at prayer are those who never tried it enough.” TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 97

Top 5 On Friday

Friday, March 18, 2011

Top 5 On Friday

Top 5 album covers

Friday 5

Friday 5 for March 18: Unreasonable!

1. What’s something you have an unreasonable fear of? Death
2. What’s something you have an unreasonable fondness for? Chocolate
3. What’s something you have an unreasonable disliking for? Stupidity
4. Who’s most likely to bring out the unreasonable in you? People who text and drive
5. Who’s the least unreasonable person you know? Some might say Me!! Lmao!! But I think that's unreasonable!!!!

Friday Fill-Ins

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Friday Fill-Ins

 

And...here we go!!

REAL INDEPENDENCE

The more we become willing to depend upon a Higher Power, the more independent we actually are. TWELVE STEPS AND TWELVE TRADITIONS, p. 36

8 More Days!!

Omg I'm getting so excited I can't stand it!!!

Days Gone By....

Had to laugh............
The other day I found one of my old T-shirts I used to wear................

Tomorrow's Agenda

Need to apply for some part-time jobs. Going online tomorrow and see who's hiring.
So, for tomorrow it goes like this:
Apply for jobs
Clean bathroom (yay)
Vacuum bedroom
Do nails
Gee, a thrill a minute! I have, however, made a decision (finally) regarding my future! Will post it tomorrow - typing on a BlackBerry SUX! LOL
TTFN!
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Booking Through Thursday

Do you multi-task when you read? Not usually, unless it's a text
Do other things like stirring things on the stove, brushing your teeth, watching television, knitting, walking, et cetera? Nope
Or is it just me, and you sit and do nothing but focus on what you’re reading?
(Or, if you do both, why, when, and which do you prefer?) I usually sit and focus on what I'm reading; get totally lost!

3x Thursday

Why?
Remember to post these in your blog and don’t forget to post a comment letting us know where you posted them by posting a link here!

Beads for Coins

Yesterday was Fat Tuesday...........got me to thinking. Any other year I'd have been out there 'earning' my Mardi Gras beads; I have MANY of them. This year on Fat Tuesday I received my one-year sobriety coin.

The Right To Privacy Or.....How To Lose Your Own Identity In Less Than 180 Days

Well, if I could count the times this lovely little issue has crept into my life in the last 6 months, I would......but I can't, so I won't.

Sleep.......the Lack Of

My schedule is once again messed up! Night before last I couldn't sleep and was up until 6:00 yesterday morning; got up around noon-ish and subsequently felt like shit all day! Went to bed around 11:00 PM and awoke at 4:30 this morning; laid there for an hour trying to go back to sleep but to no avail. Got up at 5:30, came out to the living room and read the Daily Reflections. Went out to the kitchen, made coffee, cleaned up a few things then got on the computer. Bayne just got up a bit ago and seems to have a big attitude - I asked him was there some reason he's got an attitude - and dont tell me ya don't, I added, because things are getting on your nerves too easily. I don't have an attitude, he replied. Didn't I just frigging say not to say that????? "well it's not towards you" was his reply. Well I fecking know THAT!!!! Gee what a relief, it's not me! Ha! If I don't get a day to myself, and soon, I may lose what's left of my mind!
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Accck!

Ok so all this togetherness is REALLY getting on my fecking nerves! I cannot be around someone 24/7. It makes me INSANE!!!!! I really wish I could just go away for awhile!
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New Blog

Starting a new blog. With my first year sobriety anniversary coming up, thought I'd do a little reflecting (and bitching and complaining, and maybe some good stuff too!!! LOL)
Have lots of new things to add!!!

More Later.................