Saturday

Testing from phone

? l be taking lots of pix! :-)

? erry! :-( but the cell people couldn't port it so I bought this one. And my final destination today will be latonia. I'm watching Mz O till thursday. Wil

? Have a busy day today. Going to get my hair cut then off to take this stupid phone back. None of the apps will download. Android - blah! I miss my blackb

Test

Things I Learned From My Mother

My mother has been dead 5 years today. I didn't speak to my mother the last 15 years of her life. My last words to her were............at best, unconscionable. We had argued about my grandfather's death. He became ill and I had flown back from Texas to await the inevitable. In the weeks that followed she and I got into a big blow out. Long story short, she mailed me my grandfather's obituary - two weeks after his death. I never got to say goodbye. I never got to attend his funeral. He adored me and I him. And so for years I held that resentment against her (that and for kidnapping my child but that's another story). She made some snide comment to me one day regarding my grandfather and the funeral; something to the effect I'd probably never come to hers. "oh I'll be there", I yelled at her, "if for no other reason than to make sure it's your cold, dead body in the casket! You're crazy, you've always been crazy, and I'm not going to be crazy for you!" Click. Hung up and never spoke to her again.
My mother went to her grave believing I hated her. And perhaps for a time I did. I will have to live with that..........somehow.
About a year ago I made my amends to my mother from the back of a Harley (hey! I gotta be me! LOL) and for the most part, I was pretty much at peace with it - more than I ever had been anyway. But this day I reflect.
As much as she and I never got along, I did learn from her. She did manage to instill certain values in me.
My mother was a tortured soul on this earth; a bitter, abusive woman. An alcoholic. Her alcoholism took her life. She refused to acknowledge her disease and I never brought it up, but my dad did for years. He always referred to her as a drunk and would stick her in a ritzy sanitarium for a few months a year and that was the extent of her sobriety. That was back when the husband's word was law and he was legally allowed to abuse his wife!
So today, as I look back, as bad as it was with my mother, I loved her anyway. I protected her when she was defenseless; I took her tirades when I didn't deserve it; I raised my little brother from the time he was 9 because she turned on him. (and at 42 he's still not over it). I would drive her home when I was 12 so she wouldn't wreck the car or kill herself or someone else. I would put her to bed in my bedroom so my father wouldn't torture her in her sleep (something he enjoyed doing, the sick bastard). I did my part.
"what would you say to your mother if she were standing right in front of you?" asked my sponsor a year ago. I'd say, "I accept that you were sick. You did the best you could. And I love you." "There," said my sponsor, "you made your amends."
I've made my amends.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Compassion Fatigued

How many times do you have to say the same thing over and over before someone gets your message? I wonder.

Complete, Total Mistake

I hate the dog! Sorry, but I do. I resent him every minute of every day. I KNEW better than to get a puppy! I really wanted the Doxie but saw the look on Bayne's face when we saw Murphy so I caved. I HATE having something up my ass twenty-four hours a day, animal or human! He's ruining the carpet. I've limited his water to half a cup every couple of hours but it doesn't seem to help that much. This morning he puked all over after he ate. I really just want to take him back but I'm sure I'll be hated.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Deal Breakers

Several days ago it occurred to me that perhaps I am just destined to spend the rest of my life alone; and what's worse is, for some reason the thought of it doesn't really bother me much. No matter what you do, no matter how much you love someone, the fact is, they still disappoint and hurt you. Who needs it? Not I; I've had my share. I am to the point where I believe that men are just inherent liars. Hmmm maybe "inherent" isn't the right word. Inherent might imply that they can't help themselves, as if powerless over lying. I disagree. I don't believe they're powerless over it, but rather, they just don't give a fuck about anyone other than themselves first. It blows my mind how a man can look you dead in the eyes and lie to your face and then you bust him the very next day in that very lie. I reiterate, who needs it? I'm tired of cleaning up after someone who truly doesn't give a damn about the appearance of his house, who doesn't care about keeping things clean and in order. I'm tired of constantly worrying about money because he can't budget and refuses to follow one. I'm tired of never having time to myself. I'm tired of not having a regular routine. I guess this is the part where someone would tell me I should be grateful for what I have. I am. I'm very grateful for what I have; doesn't change how I feel tho. It doesn't change the obvious.
I'm tired of "I'm sorry". I'm tired of always having to be the grown-up! I have such a deep resentment about me always being the adult that it has affected every aspect of this relationship, literally. I just don't feel like I have the energy for any of it. I have always taken care of people or someone all my life. It's just not in me to want to do it anymore. I would truly rather be alone than to feel like I'm the only adult in a so-called adult relationship.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

New Edition

Got a new puppy yesterday. He is a 3 month old Golden Retriever/Labrador Retriever mix. We named him Murphy.



A LIFETIME PROCESS

We were having trouble with personal relationships, we couldn’t control our emotional natures, we were a prey to misery and depression, we couldn’t make a living, we had a feeling of uselessness, we were full of fear, we were unhappy, we couldn’t seem to be of real help to other people. . . . ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, p. 52

Life.............3 Months At A Time

BC and I live a rather odd life, financially speaking. Since losing his job, we mostly live on school loans which come in about every 3 mos. It's weird; not bad, just weird.

A Full and Thankful Heart

I try hard to hold fast to the truth that a full and thankful heart cannot entertain certain conceits. When brimming with gratitude, one’s heartbeat must surely result in outgoing love, the finest emotion that we can ever know. AS BILL SEES IT, p. 37

Sounds of Morning

Almost every morning, I am up before daylight. As soon as I hear the birds, my eyes are open. I don't get it.